I did it...

Well, I did it! Today I walked into the school's office and told them I would not be returning next year. It was really scary for me and I am still afraid about what is to come. I don't know what I will be doing next year - but I'm excited.

The hardest part will be leaving this town. I love it here so much.

Tomorrow I decide.

Well, tomorrow is the day that I have to let my school know if I will be returning in the fall. I am still not sure what I am going to do. Each day I go back and forth between what I should do. I don't know if I will be happy if I leave as it will mean moving away from my home. If I could stay in Rosebud and leave school I would do that in a second. Unfortunately as it is a town with less than 100 people, no gas stations, only a theatre and a theatre school this is not an option.

I love living in the country - the nearest town is 25 minutes away. It is beautiful out there. Not to mention I love the Christian community that Rosebud offers. I love that I have friends there. I love swimming in the creek and just coming into peoples house because you know you are always welcome. I love my job. I love the people. I love everything about this town.

But I feel incredibly selfish for wanting to stay there. Perhaps I should just take a risk and move back to the city, move back in with my parents and start towards something I know is worthwhile.

*sighs*

I know I will be okay...

Hey anyone who is reading this - which is probably no one.

I have been thinking about my future a lot lately and what I should do with it. I just finished my second year as an acting student and I have come to the realization that I do not want to be an actor. Isn't that good to know?

I think it is. This means I am most likely going to change schools - my other option is to change majors. There are only four at my school. Acting, Dramatic Arts, Technical Theatre, and Music. While I love many of the things in those areas I don't see myself having a future in. Not at all.

This bums me out because next year is our school trip to London. I have always wanted to go to London. At the same time I know it will be okay because one day I will go to Kiev, and adopt some beautiful little boy or girl. Perhaps they haven't even been born yet. Maybe they have. Kiev is by no means London but when I ask myself which of the two is more important that answer is always Kiev. Or Russia. Or somewhere around there.

So now the question is - what do I do now?

If I had been born somewhere else...

If I had been born somewhere else…

By BrokenWithGod

About a year ago my opinion of the world changed drastically. At 19 years old I had no idea of the horrors that still existed in the world – I thought enslavement was a thing of the past. How wrong was I. It began on a Sunday morning at church. The topic of the day was human trafficking and modern slavery. I could not believe it. From that moment on I was desperate to learn as much about it as I could. I didn’t really understand what I was opening myself up to but I knew I had to go there. I searched the internet for information regarding human trafficking and sexual slavery. I got my hands on copies of “Not For Sale” and “The Natasha’s.” This lead me to child prostitution. I could not believe that children were being sold for sex – in our day and time. I learned that sometimes children do it willingly – or sometimes their parents make them do it. I was desperate to do something to stop it. So once again I searched for information.

This time I was lead to something else – something that would change my entire world. Orphans. I don’t remember where I first read about children in Eastern Europe and neighbouring countries being sent to mental institutions because they had disabilities. I came across “Reece’s Rainbow” – a website that advocates for the adoption of children with Down Syndrome and other disabilities. From there I was lead to blogs of people who are adopting these children. I was so glad to find people doing something about this. One of the first blogs I stumbled upon was “Smile’s and Trials.” She has 12 kids. Six are biological and six are adopted – and they are leaving this weekend to adopt 2 more! I was amazed by the story of this family and inspired by they passion that they have for rescuing these children.

One evening I was looking at the children on Reece’s Rainbow. I was curious about that kind of disabilities these kids had. One little boy stopped me in my tracks. Sullivan – he is on the Other Angels Boys 0-5 page. He looked a lot like me. Blond hair. Blue eyes. Then I looked over and in large red lettering it said “SIGNIFIGANT RISK, PLEASE ADOPT ME SOON!!” I began to read his medical history...and that’s where I completely fell apart. The first line read

“Sullivan was born with a very rare disorder called Arnold-Chiari Syndrome.”

I could not believe that a child was at risk of being sent away because of Arnold-Chiari Syndrome. It wasn’t just because he was going to be sent away, nor because of his beautiful face staring back at me – begging me to help him. It was the fact that I have Arnold-Chiari Syndrome. Me. I have lived with it my entire life. I get MRI’s because of it – if it weren’t for them people would have no clue that I had it. I understand that Sullivan’s case of it is worse as it effects his hip but that is no excuse to send him or any child away.

This got me thinking about what my life would be like if I had been born somewhere else in the world. Would my parents have given me up like many of the parents whose children are in these orphanages did? Would I have been sent to an institution because of my Chiari and other delays? Would I be tied to a bed all day long and drugged for my entire existence? Would I know what it’s like to feel the sun on my face and the grass beneath my feet? All these what-if’s sprang into my mind.

Since that day over a year ago I have not been able to get these children out of my mind – and I don’t want to. I know that I will adopt at least a couple of them when I am able. I so desperately want to rescue Sullivan but I am not in a position to do so. I have no money, I’m a college student, barely 21 years old, and am unmarried. (Though I don’t been to be married to adopt.) I feel so stuck. I feel like I can’t do anything to help but I desperately want to. Anyone got any suggestions? What are you doing to help?

A long day.

Today has been a long, hard, exhausting day. It was the student showcase for my school. The students get together and perform selected pieces from work they have been doing over the year. I had a lot of fun last year...this year not so much. It was not that I didn't want to be there and support the school...it was just...the day, and me.

We left at 12:45 and didn't get back till about 10:30. I sat in the audience, and stood on stage feeling absolutely terrible. I had to force myself not to cry on a number of occassions. All day long people kept asking me if I was okay...I never told anyone I was okay. When they asked what was going on, I would say things about how my medication is making me depressed, and there were a lot of other things going on that I didn't want to talk about.

I mean...honestly what could I tell them? The truth?

I told select people how I had started taking medication again and that is was making me depressed. I didn't tell them that the only reason I started taking it again was because I had been gaining weight, and it's a metabolism booster...and I had been trying so hard to prevent myself from gaining weight...and I couldn't. I am ashamed at myself. I don't believe in drugs. Not at all. And yet I willingly did that to myself because I was so desperate. Not healthy at all.

But that is only part of it...but I couldn't mention the rest, other than that I was having God issues. I don't even say it on here...and no one reads this.

I am desperate for help....with my medication/eating/weight problem...I am desperate for God to reappear in my life.

It hurts.

How could I have forgotten.

I write this post with blood shot, puffy eyes. It is currently 1:40 AM and I should be sleeping as I have a big day tomorrow...but I have been overcome.

With guilt. Shame. Humbleness. Dispair. Longing.

Over the last year there has been a huge absense of Christ in my life...and I didn't even notice. I can't think of a single time I picked up my bible. I have only gone to church on the rare occasion. I rarely prayed - even when I told someone I would. The gifts God had blessed me with began to dissappear...and now they seem non-existant...although I know they are still somewhere within me.

My relationship with God has always been such a natural, easy one...and I guess I expected it to be that way all the time. It was like clock work...I would utter deep prays to Him at night...talk to Him while going about my business during the day (Yes, out loud...I'm pretty sure people thought I was crazy for that one...but I didn't care). When I became afraid I would ask Him to protect me and I would feel His arms wrap around me. I would ask Him what he wanted me to do for Him...and He would tell me it wasn't time yet. I would get frusturated...but never ignore Him.

As a teenager God was my best friend...I want Him back.

How could I have done this...forgotten my call to Jesus? I knew when I came to school that I had an important job to do...and I completely forgot about it. About Him.

Over the past few months...I have uttered a prayer here and there...and have heard nothing in return. Tonight I realized that I had forgotten...and that I have been selfish...making life about me when it is about God.

Perhaps He is testing me...perhaps He has been testing me since September...and I have only noticed now. I can't believe that I forgot...all I know now is that I need Him back....I want my best friend back....and it will be hard to get there....

But...I can't give up because honestly...what do I have without my Lord?

Another hard days work

This weekend was filled (Praise God for that!) with Passion Play Rehearsal. I always come home tired and exhausted but, ultimately it is a great experience. The weekend was filled with tender moments with people I love, unbearable heat, ice cream with a friend, and hard work.

This is the first year that I think I actually am starting to understand the play. Obviously I understood what happened before, but I think its really starting to hit me. My relationship with God is reaching a level of maturity where the thought of anyone hurting him, nearly moves me to tears. I am thankful for this.

There was one point in rehearsal on Sunday where everyone was yelling and screaming to have Jesus crucified. I am one of the few who does not turn on him, as I have been healed by him. As everyone around me screamed "kill him!" "He blasphemes!" A wave of terror swept over me as all of a sudden five people were ganging up on me - trying to get me to turn.

One thing I am extremely grateful for this year is my eyes! The last two years I have had to spend the vast majority of crowd scenes backstage because my eyes would get extremely red, soar, and watery from the sun. But not this year! My eyes have been doing very well. No more sitting backstage with wet paper towel over my eyes in attempt to cure the pain!

The pictures: The first picture is the rock I hide behind before the show starts. The second is the view from where I am hiding. The third is a photograph of my shadow, since no one was around to take it for me.