Sad. Frustrated. Garg.

For the past few weeks I have been feeling extremely glum. When I left the theatre world I did not expect to miss it at all. I was so frustrated with myself, and with it that I was convinced that God was saying for me to get away from it.

Let me say it here and now folk: I was wrong.

I'm miserable. I think a lot of my frustrations were due to the people I was working with. The last role I was in was not a role I should have been cast, in my opinion. I was not right for the part. Add to that that it was along side my ex-boyfriend (and old best friend...) and you have a mess of an actor. It was awful. I got fed up with me. The director got fed up with me. Cast members got fed up with me. I was afraid to commit fully to the role because I didn't want to open up old feelings, because I wasn't sure they were completely gone.

And I was embarrassed to admit the problem, because I wasn't the only person with a problem with my ex, and in the theatre we are supposed to leave our problems at the door. And I just didn't know how to do that. I had also had an extremely rough term in acting coaching. My frustration levels were high in the last year.

Not to mention I was dealing with a lot of health problems in the last year, which prevented me from being able to concentrate fully on my studies. I often wonder what I may have accomplished in the last year had I not had those health problems. It wasn't until the end of the school year that I had figured them out.

Now, after being away from theatre from three months, I am absolutely miserable. I miss being on stage. I miss learning how to act. I miss singing in choir. I miss voice coaching.

There is just something within me that seems to needs the theatreee. I can't explain it. I have felt it since i was 5 years old. A need to perform. Acting/Music is like air to me, and I'm starting to feel like I'm living without oxygen. Can you say torture?

That being said, I don't think I made the wrong choice in leaving. I needed to get away from it to see that I really wanted it. I also don't believe that my old school is the right fit for me anymore, so I will not be returing there. I have decided to look into some other schools though..

I will be (trying) to pray for some Guidance in this.

Let's hope I can actually get over my pig-headedness and listen to God for a mew moments.

Quotes!

Some days people say things that amuse me to much not to write down. These are courtesy of people at work.

Two weeks ago at work I wasn't feeling very well...and Ms. V (who immigrated from Sri Lanka not long ago) says to me "You look like a....something."

Today I was looking at (and trying to decide if I should buy) a pair of shoes that are rather unique. This is the conversation that occured.



Me: Well, I don't know...they are kind of crazy.

Ms. V: Well, you look crazy, so it works.

Me: That's true.


Some of our shoes have rather unusual names....the most mind boggling one is called Stone Her. But I was looking at the shoes mentioned in the last quote. We had this conversation.

Ms. C: What are they called?

Me: (dreading trying to say the name) ...Vaglia...

Everyone: breaks out into laughter.

Ms. C: I think we need to rename that shoe.

We proceeded to try to find less awkward ways of pronouncing it.

Sully has a family!!!

Do you guys remember Sweet Sullivan, that I posted about here and here?

I have good news friends! My dear Sully has a family committed to adopt him!

I dont know much about them at this point, but please please help make there adoption possible by donating. I'm hoping to get into contact with the family. More information to come I hope!

I am absolutely overjoyed. After a year and a half of heart break, tears, and prayer for this little boy he finally will be able to have a family of his own! Praise God!

Look at this beautiful boy!

 How beautiful! When I first read that he had a family I gasped out loud and I swear that my heart stopped for a moment. Also, he had his birthday a few weeks ago, he is now five! I meant to post a birthday post for him, but it didn't happen.

Can I just let out a big WOOHOOO!!!

All about shoes! (Sort of)

So this is a just a quick update, I posted about three weeks ago that I had found a job and I would like to tell you all about it. (Anyone?)

I work at a shoe store. It's not just any shoe store. This place has taught me a lot about customer service and honor. Most places we go don't care about their customers. They grab what the customer needs and get the heck out of there. Not here. No. Instead it is a full service  There is something so humbling about kneeling on the floor in front of a person and putting on their shoes for them. Helping them find exactly what they need. Making sure they get what they want, and doing everything I can to help them be a satisfied customer with not only cool, but comfortable shoes that one will be able to wear all day. I had never put so much thought into shoes before. They are important. I still would prefer to go barefoot, but in a Canadian City that is just not an option.

I seriously love my job. I love my boss and my co-workers. Every once in a while I have a customer that makes me want to scream, but it makes me appreciate all the others. I feel at home there, and comfortable with who I am. I am slowly allowing my shyness to disappear. Which is excellent.  One thing that was emphasized when I was interviewed was that we are a family and that we take care of each other, and I am seeing that daily. I love that so much.

The first week I worked my legs were sore from all the running around, squatting and climbing ladders, but I have grown accustomed to it. I know I had said that I really wanted to out of retail, and I did but this job was really God's choosing. I don't get bored here, which is extremely untypical of me. I love interacting with all the different people. As far as retail goes shoes is a good place to be. The hours are great. I only work one evening a week which is fabulous.

I am also told I am a talented salesperson. Today says otherwise, but we all have bad days as far as that goes.

There are two downsides to the job. 1: I am becoming a shoe addict. I suddenly think, dream, and love shoes. Oops. and 2: My feet hurt, but I think that can be corrected with proper shoes.

I don't think I mentioned how I got this job. I was walking around a strip mall beside a nearby train station and dropping resumes off at various locations. I had applied to a few places, and I walked by the shoe store. I stopped and considered dropping mine off there...and decided not to. So I continued walking. Then I stopped, feeling like a should go in. Whether it was God telling me, or the Pretty Purple shoe in the window....who really knows? I bet it was God, but the shoe definitely helped. So I went in and dropped off my resume. I really didn't expect to hear anything back from them. There were no "HIRING NOW" ads in the window not advertisements online. I had applied to so many places at this point and barely heard anything from anyone.

A few days later I got a call from my manager (I don't actually remember which one it was...) asking me for come in for an interview. She said that she hadn't been looking to hire but one of her employees was moving at the end of the month and she would need to find someone to replace her. Since my resume was on her desk, she decided to give me a call.

Talk about good timing huh? Perhaps its more God timing.

I have so many posts I have to write! I have some very good news as well.

Happy Thanksgiving!

So I am Canadian so it's Thanksgiving here! (Not until tomorrow, but we celebrated today.

I am stuffed to the brim with turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes and pumpkin pie! We had about 20 people at our house today! It was excellent. I love having my family gather together, and I really wish we would do it more often. My sister, her husband and their dog are still here, however they are watching the hockey game. I tried to stick it out and watch for a while but it just didn't work.

I thought I would list some things that I am thankful for!

1. Getting together with family.
2. Puppies (I love having two in the house!)
3. A place to live free of charge!
4. Having a gym in the basement.
5. Music in all its wonderfulness. Harmony that comes along with it. Dissonance.
6. A job!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

A great weekend!

This past weekend I had the pleasure of attending a conference called Weekend in the Word. At first I was extremely anxious about going. I had been informed that people there would be extremely modest, and I felt quite nervous about that. I consider myself to be a very modest person, but the fear that I would not be good enough was overwhelming. Not to mention that everyone there was from a homeschooling family, and I am not. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against homeschooling - in fact I consider it to be a possibility once I have a family. I have to confess that I was wrong to be nervous.

The conference was held in a small town in Southern Alberta. It made me homesick for my dear Rosebud. The sessions were great! We learned about logic and fallicies. It was difficult to grasp the concepts so quickly but I can honestly say that I did learn something worthwhile. The other sessions were about abortion, homosexuality and doubt. These last three were actually my favorite as there was a large practical aspect to it.



I really enjoyed it and ended up meeting some amazing people this weekend. This is a picture of me and my cousin. She is Almost 16 and one of the most amazing people I know.

Work!!

Woohoo!

I have excellent news! I had a job a job interview on Thursday and heard today that I got the job. It is at a shoe store here in town. I had originally wanted to get out of retail, but if I am going to be in retail I am happy that I am in this store. It's got a great atmosphere with great people.

I am very excited to start working next week!

Sullivan

Okay friends...if anyone is out there. We have a task to do.

Over a year ago my heart was touched by a little boy on Reece's Rainbow named Sullivan, and its about time that I start to do something to help him out. Since I am in no position to adopt him myself, I have decided its time to start trying to find him a family.

Here is a picture of the angel. Handsome isn't he?

Here is his information.

Sullivan (25)

BOY, born October 21, 2005

SIGNIFICANT RISK, PLEASE ADOPT ME SOON!!

Sullivan is as handsome as they come! Blonde hair and bright blue eyes make him so snuggable!

Sullivan was born with a very rare disorder called Arnold-Chiari Syndrome. He is not able to walk, but is very smart, although his speech is delayed. He is not able to walk at this time due to a hip deformation, resulting from his A/C syndrome. He does not speak too well, says seperate words, definitely understands when he is talked to and wants attention. He uses his hands well, plays with toys, can concentrate, he is very sweet and always smiling. I know caketakers just love him and think he is better developed than the rest in his group.

From his medical records: He has syndrome of lower tetraparesis; defect of hip functioning as a result of cerebrospinal hernia of lower chest part; hydrocephaly (had surgery); syndrome of Arnold-Chiari. Mental delay; secondary myocardiopathy; delay of speech development. Sullivan will be sent to a mental institution, and will remain bedridden the rest of his short life. He has very little time left. Now is the perfect time to start your paperwork to save him! Please give Sullivan a chance to know a loving, supportive family!

I originally mentioned him in a post here:

http://brokenwithgod.blogspot.com/2010/06/if-i-had-been-born-somewhere-else.html

So...I really have no idea how to do this. If anyone out there would like to help...I would really appreciate it.

Consumerism

consumerism.

After moving back into my parents house one of the greatest struggles I have has is finding work. I don't want to be extremely picky in what job I will take, but I'm not going to take just anything.

First off, I haven't eaten from a fast food place (minus subway) since I was 16 years old, and there is definitely no way that I am going to work in one. The smell of those places make me feel nauseated. Plus I have ethical issues with the treatment of animals, and much of it is just so terrible for you.

I am so tired of consumerism. Greed. I have only ever worked in retail, and I am tired of people buying more than they need. I am tired of people selling things that people don't need. About a month ago, when I was working my old job this big burly man came into my store and bought $400 worth of statues and sculptures. It was great for the business and I won't deny I was glad to make the sale.

Then I have this sinking feeling in my gut. Guilt. I have a friend who has been to Tanzania, and intends to go back this next summer. She worked in a school in the slums of TZ. She also met many beautiful children, whom I have grown to love through her, with untreated HIV. The treatment is free, but they have to get to the hospital to get them, and most of them can't pay for the transportation. It only costs 9 dollars each month for a kid to get their medication. Perhaps 18, so an adult can go with the child to the hospital.

So I think back to this man that came into my store. 400 dollars. I wondered how many kids he could give medication for a month with that money. 44 children could have their medication for one month with 400 dollars. That just amazes me. It saddens me. If I gave 400 dollars a month to kids who need ARV's 44 children could have normal lives.

I don't know how to go into reality without thinking about this. Put on a smile as I fold up a 30 dollar t-shirt and think about asking them to return it so they can save the life of a child?

Everyone has heard about the HIV/AIDs epidemic...but people don't open their hearts.

I think people are living in the wrong reality. Anyone have any job ideas that could do the world some good?

Oliver!

Well, this is a bit of a delayed post and I have to
catch up on what has happened in the last week. One week ago Oliver closed, and I said goodbye to a town of people that I love dearly. A place I have lived for the last two years. I have never felt more at home in any other place, but it was time to move on. In my opinion the best part of the last two years are the people I have met and grown to love.



Above is a picture of me and our pianist, Sarah. I really enjoyed getting to know her over the summer!

Also above is our Oliver and our Nancy. Two beautiful and talented ladies who I was very glad to get to spend the summer with.

They are both so persnickety and cheeky. It brings a smile to my face when I think about all the mischief Deanne (Nancy) would get into.

Here we have pictures of three of my different Oliver! families. To the right is everyone in who will buy (minus Oliver). This was probably my favorite part of the play. It was just such a beautiful and pure moment.

Above is me as a workhhouse kid with Mr. and Mrs. Bumble. These two are both so hilarious. They crack me up. I have a picture of one of the kids making the exact same face I am making in this picture, but I'm not going to post it here.

Lastly, and once again above are the funeral folk. The Sowerberries. Ha, what snobs. I am so glad that I had this opportunity to be a part of this show, and even though I have decided its time for me to leave the acting world.

Oliver! funnies!

I have been thinking about how the run of Oliver! here is almost over, and wanted to save the memory of some of the amusing things that have happened over the last 2 and 1/2 months. If you don't want to read all of them, at least read the ending one because it is worth it.

On Opening night (The end of may) Nathan (Faggin) was singing the song "Reviewing the Situation." Part way through he forgets the words, but knows that they are important to the storyline. So, he stays completely in character and shouts "Wait! Let me see!" and walks up to the piano looks over Sarah's (the pianists) shoulder reads the words and continues singing. This was a brilliant acting moment.

At the end of the play Bill Sykes is killed via gunshot. So Conrad (Bow Street Runner) goes to shoot the gun and nothing happens. Normally we have a pistol that shoots a blank and it works great. However on this particular day both Conrad and Karl (Bill Sykes) were left standing there looking dumb. The solution? Sykes just withered to the ground suddenly. The audience laughed at this one. I don't blame them. Ha.

At the end of the show we wait off stage in the wings to go onstage for the bows. It's dark back there so Karl decided to try and freak me out getting as close to me as possible. However, wondering what he was doing, I looked over and she shared a few nose nuzzles. He was embarrassed and now makes a point to not get to close to me back there.

It's been been a very rainy summer and therefore very humid as well. The floor on the stage it made up of wooden panels. One day after a particularly wet day we came in to find that the wood on the floor had expanded. The stage was COVERED in bubbles. Imagine trying to do a show while walking and tripping over a bubbling floor? Ha.

Last Sunday's show was an interesting one. Paul (Mr. Brownlow) gets to take a walk outside the theatre to get to the other side of the the stage. (We have a crawl space but some people prefer the walk outside. However on this day the door is locked. This has never happened before. So Paul runs all the way around the theatre again and tries to make his entrance on time. I was in the dressing room at that time and the curtains around the area literally moved from the blur that Paul was. Despite his rush Mr. Bumble was left on stage for a few moments staring at a locket. Oops.

Here's another one with Conrad and Karl. This afternoon Conrad got trigger happy. Karl is supposed to have the line "Stand back! Or I'll kill the boy" instead all he got out was "St.." I'm pretty sure Oliver should have died instead of Bill, but they made it work.

Okay...now here is the doosey that inspired this post. I'm actually not sure I should post this one - but I will anyways. The patrons that come toe show are often...well quite frankly, old. Some of them aren't all there. In the play one of my roles is the Milkmaid. For this role I carry a metal buckets. Now one of the patrons someone managed to wander backstage during the first act - and PEED in my milk bucket. Um yeah. You read that right. Then he got confused about which way to go to leave the room, so he wandered onto the wings of the stage. Luckily dear Kelsey was there to help him back to his seat. She realized what had happened and kindly told our Stage Managers. Needless to say I did not use the same prop that night. Instead Brad pulled the paper off of a paint can and put some fabric on top of it. It was full of paint and somewhat heavy. The man didn't even realize something had happened we don't think, which I suppose is a good thing. I am assuming that he has Alzheimer's and believed that this was a chamber pot or something. Poor man...but its rather amusing.

That's all folks!

Bold.

Over the last year something has changed in my relationship with God. I have been relearning to listen to Him. It's just not in the same way that I used to talk to Him. I am still adjusting to it. At first I didn't even realize that God was speaking to me. In the last 5 months I have gone up to two complete strangers and told them that God wants us to know each other and that it is important that we do. Both times I have been very well received. Here i was thinking that they would give me a "what the heck is this lady on?" sort of look.

I am learning to trust in what He says.

learning to believe that He knows what is best for me.

To tell someone that God loves them.

To be outright about what I believe and not be afraid about it.

A changed heart.

Until about a year ago I didn't know what to do around people with Down Syndrome. It wasn't that I didn't think they didn't diverse to be loved I just didn't know what to do. I am ashamed to admit I thought they were weird. That was wrong.

After reading about Down Syndrome, the adoption ministry of Reece's Rainbow and discovering how truly stunning and beautiful these people are I have been changed. Today in church there was a boy between 10 and 13 who had Down Syndrome. What first drew him to my attention was not the fact that he had Down Syndrome but that there was a young man holding a doll. As we sang to God he made the doll clap along with the music. It was so precious and innocent. He was so beautiful.

I was tempted to point him out to the person sitting next to me but I didn't want them to think that I was pointing him out because he was different when really it was because I was touched by him. I hope that the people around him see him as a precious gem.

Fear makes things happen...?

So, I'm in the play Oliver right now and I have noticed that when I fear something is going to happen onstage more often than not it happens. When I don't think about it it doesn't happen. For example - sometimes when I sing my voice cracks. Yesterday during the show it cracked really bad. I began to be afraid that it would happen again today and during this afternoons performance it happened about 3 times. Well see how this evening goes.

Sigh.

Happy Canada Day!

I would just like to take a moment to say Happy Canada all you fellow Canadians (and American's too, I supposed)! I love living in this country.

I did it...

Well, I did it! Today I walked into the school's office and told them I would not be returning next year. It was really scary for me and I am still afraid about what is to come. I don't know what I will be doing next year - but I'm excited.

The hardest part will be leaving this town. I love it here so much.

Tomorrow I decide.

Well, tomorrow is the day that I have to let my school know if I will be returning in the fall. I am still not sure what I am going to do. Each day I go back and forth between what I should do. I don't know if I will be happy if I leave as it will mean moving away from my home. If I could stay in Rosebud and leave school I would do that in a second. Unfortunately as it is a town with less than 100 people, no gas stations, only a theatre and a theatre school this is not an option.

I love living in the country - the nearest town is 25 minutes away. It is beautiful out there. Not to mention I love the Christian community that Rosebud offers. I love that I have friends there. I love swimming in the creek and just coming into peoples house because you know you are always welcome. I love my job. I love the people. I love everything about this town.

But I feel incredibly selfish for wanting to stay there. Perhaps I should just take a risk and move back to the city, move back in with my parents and start towards something I know is worthwhile.

*sighs*

I know I will be okay...

Hey anyone who is reading this - which is probably no one.

I have been thinking about my future a lot lately and what I should do with it. I just finished my second year as an acting student and I have come to the realization that I do not want to be an actor. Isn't that good to know?

I think it is. This means I am most likely going to change schools - my other option is to change majors. There are only four at my school. Acting, Dramatic Arts, Technical Theatre, and Music. While I love many of the things in those areas I don't see myself having a future in. Not at all.

This bums me out because next year is our school trip to London. I have always wanted to go to London. At the same time I know it will be okay because one day I will go to Kiev, and adopt some beautiful little boy or girl. Perhaps they haven't even been born yet. Maybe they have. Kiev is by no means London but when I ask myself which of the two is more important that answer is always Kiev. Or Russia. Or somewhere around there.

So now the question is - what do I do now?

If I had been born somewhere else...

If I had been born somewhere else…

By BrokenWithGod

About a year ago my opinion of the world changed drastically. At 19 years old I had no idea of the horrors that still existed in the world – I thought enslavement was a thing of the past. How wrong was I. It began on a Sunday morning at church. The topic of the day was human trafficking and modern slavery. I could not believe it. From that moment on I was desperate to learn as much about it as I could. I didn’t really understand what I was opening myself up to but I knew I had to go there. I searched the internet for information regarding human trafficking and sexual slavery. I got my hands on copies of “Not For Sale” and “The Natasha’s.” This lead me to child prostitution. I could not believe that children were being sold for sex – in our day and time. I learned that sometimes children do it willingly – or sometimes their parents make them do it. I was desperate to do something to stop it. So once again I searched for information.

This time I was lead to something else – something that would change my entire world. Orphans. I don’t remember where I first read about children in Eastern Europe and neighbouring countries being sent to mental institutions because they had disabilities. I came across “Reece’s Rainbow” – a website that advocates for the adoption of children with Down Syndrome and other disabilities. From there I was lead to blogs of people who are adopting these children. I was so glad to find people doing something about this. One of the first blogs I stumbled upon was “Smile’s and Trials.” She has 12 kids. Six are biological and six are adopted – and they are leaving this weekend to adopt 2 more! I was amazed by the story of this family and inspired by they passion that they have for rescuing these children.

One evening I was looking at the children on Reece’s Rainbow. I was curious about that kind of disabilities these kids had. One little boy stopped me in my tracks. Sullivan – he is on the Other Angels Boys 0-5 page. He looked a lot like me. Blond hair. Blue eyes. Then I looked over and in large red lettering it said “SIGNIFIGANT RISK, PLEASE ADOPT ME SOON!!” I began to read his medical history...and that’s where I completely fell apart. The first line read

“Sullivan was born with a very rare disorder called Arnold-Chiari Syndrome.”

I could not believe that a child was at risk of being sent away because of Arnold-Chiari Syndrome. It wasn’t just because he was going to be sent away, nor because of his beautiful face staring back at me – begging me to help him. It was the fact that I have Arnold-Chiari Syndrome. Me. I have lived with it my entire life. I get MRI’s because of it – if it weren’t for them people would have no clue that I had it. I understand that Sullivan’s case of it is worse as it effects his hip but that is no excuse to send him or any child away.

This got me thinking about what my life would be like if I had been born somewhere else in the world. Would my parents have given me up like many of the parents whose children are in these orphanages did? Would I have been sent to an institution because of my Chiari and other delays? Would I be tied to a bed all day long and drugged for my entire existence? Would I know what it’s like to feel the sun on my face and the grass beneath my feet? All these what-if’s sprang into my mind.

Since that day over a year ago I have not been able to get these children out of my mind – and I don’t want to. I know that I will adopt at least a couple of them when I am able. I so desperately want to rescue Sullivan but I am not in a position to do so. I have no money, I’m a college student, barely 21 years old, and am unmarried. (Though I don’t been to be married to adopt.) I feel so stuck. I feel like I can’t do anything to help but I desperately want to. Anyone got any suggestions? What are you doing to help?

A long day.

Today has been a long, hard, exhausting day. It was the student showcase for my school. The students get together and perform selected pieces from work they have been doing over the year. I had a lot of fun last year...this year not so much. It was not that I didn't want to be there and support the school...it was just...the day, and me.

We left at 12:45 and didn't get back till about 10:30. I sat in the audience, and stood on stage feeling absolutely terrible. I had to force myself not to cry on a number of occassions. All day long people kept asking me if I was okay...I never told anyone I was okay. When they asked what was going on, I would say things about how my medication is making me depressed, and there were a lot of other things going on that I didn't want to talk about.

I mean...honestly what could I tell them? The truth?

I told select people how I had started taking medication again and that is was making me depressed. I didn't tell them that the only reason I started taking it again was because I had been gaining weight, and it's a metabolism booster...and I had been trying so hard to prevent myself from gaining weight...and I couldn't. I am ashamed at myself. I don't believe in drugs. Not at all. And yet I willingly did that to myself because I was so desperate. Not healthy at all.

But that is only part of it...but I couldn't mention the rest, other than that I was having God issues. I don't even say it on here...and no one reads this.

I am desperate for help....with my medication/eating/weight problem...I am desperate for God to reappear in my life.

It hurts.

How could I have forgotten.

I write this post with blood shot, puffy eyes. It is currently 1:40 AM and I should be sleeping as I have a big day tomorrow...but I have been overcome.

With guilt. Shame. Humbleness. Dispair. Longing.

Over the last year there has been a huge absense of Christ in my life...and I didn't even notice. I can't think of a single time I picked up my bible. I have only gone to church on the rare occasion. I rarely prayed - even when I told someone I would. The gifts God had blessed me with began to dissappear...and now they seem non-existant...although I know they are still somewhere within me.

My relationship with God has always been such a natural, easy one...and I guess I expected it to be that way all the time. It was like clock work...I would utter deep prays to Him at night...talk to Him while going about my business during the day (Yes, out loud...I'm pretty sure people thought I was crazy for that one...but I didn't care). When I became afraid I would ask Him to protect me and I would feel His arms wrap around me. I would ask Him what he wanted me to do for Him...and He would tell me it wasn't time yet. I would get frusturated...but never ignore Him.

As a teenager God was my best friend...I want Him back.

How could I have done this...forgotten my call to Jesus? I knew when I came to school that I had an important job to do...and I completely forgot about it. About Him.

Over the past few months...I have uttered a prayer here and there...and have heard nothing in return. Tonight I realized that I had forgotten...and that I have been selfish...making life about me when it is about God.

Perhaps He is testing me...perhaps He has been testing me since September...and I have only noticed now. I can't believe that I forgot...all I know now is that I need Him back....I want my best friend back....and it will be hard to get there....

But...I can't give up because honestly...what do I have without my Lord?