Sunday, April 25, 2010

A long day.

Today has been a long, hard, exhausting day. It was the student showcase for my school. The students get together and perform selected pieces from work they have been doing over the year. I had a lot of fun last year...this year not so much. It was not that I didn't want to be there and support the was just...the day, and me.

We left at 12:45 and didn't get back till about 10:30. I sat in the audience, and stood on stage feeling absolutely terrible. I had to force myself not to cry on a number of occassions. All day long people kept asking me if I was okay...I never told anyone I was okay. When they asked what was going on, I would say things about how my medication is making me depressed, and there were a lot of other things going on that I didn't want to talk about.

I mean...honestly what could I tell them? The truth?

I told select people how I had started taking medication again and that is was making me depressed. I didn't tell them that the only reason I started taking it again was because I had been gaining weight, and it's a metabolism booster...and I had been trying so hard to prevent myself from gaining weight...and I couldn't. I am ashamed at myself. I don't believe in drugs. Not at all. And yet I willingly did that to myself because I was so desperate. Not healthy at all.

But that is only part of it...but I couldn't mention the rest, other than that I was having God issues. I don't even say it on here...and no one reads this.

I am desperate for help....with my medication/eating/weight problem...I am desperate for God to reappear in my life.

It hurts.

How could I have forgotten.

I write this post with blood shot, puffy eyes. It is currently 1:40 AM and I should be sleeping as I have a big day tomorrow...but I have been overcome.

With guilt. Shame. Humbleness. Dispair. Longing.

Over the last year there has been a huge absense of Christ in my life...and I didn't even notice. I can't think of a single time I picked up my bible. I have only gone to church on the rare occasion. I rarely prayed - even when I told someone I would. The gifts God had blessed me with began to dissappear...and now they seem non-existant...although I know they are still somewhere within me.

My relationship with God has always been such a natural, easy one...and I guess I expected it to be that way all the time. It was like clock work...I would utter deep prays to Him at to Him while going about my business during the day (Yes, out loud...I'm pretty sure people thought I was crazy for that one...but I didn't care). When I became afraid I would ask Him to protect me and I would feel His arms wrap around me. I would ask Him what he wanted me to do for Him...and He would tell me it wasn't time yet. I would get frusturated...but never ignore Him.

As a teenager God was my best friend...I want Him back.

How could I have done this...forgotten my call to Jesus? I knew when I came to school that I had an important job to do...and I completely forgot about it. About Him.

Over the past few months...I have uttered a prayer here and there...and have heard nothing in return. Tonight I realized that I had forgotten...and that I have been selfish...making life about me when it is about God.

Perhaps He is testing me...perhaps He has been testing me since September...and I have only noticed now. I can't believe that I forgot...all I know now is that I need Him back....I want my best friend back....and it will be hard to get there....

But...I can't give up because honestly...what do I have without my Lord?