Monday, June 29, 2009

Another hard days work

This weekend was filled (Praise God for that!) with Passion Play Rehearsal. I always come home tired and exhausted but, ultimately it is a great experience. The weekend was filled with tender moments with people I love, unbearable heat, ice cream with a friend, and hard work.

This is the first year that I think I actually am starting to understand the play. Obviously I understood what happened before, but I think its really starting to hit me. My relationship with God is reaching a level of maturity where the thought of anyone hurting him, nearly moves me to tears. I am thankful for this.

There was one point in rehearsal on Sunday where everyone was yelling and screaming to have Jesus crucified. I am one of the few who does not turn on him, as I have been healed by him. As everyone around me screamed "kill him!" "He blasphemes!" A wave of terror swept over me as all of a sudden five people were ganging up on me - trying to get me to turn.

One thing I am extremely grateful for this year is my eyes! The last two years I have had to spend the vast majority of crowd scenes backstage because my eyes would get extremely red, soar, and watery from the sun. But not this year! My eyes have been doing very well. No more sitting backstage with wet paper towel over my eyes in attempt to cure the pain!

The pictures: The first picture is the rock I hide behind before the show starts. The second is the view from where I am hiding. The third is a photograph of my shadow, since no one was around to take it for me.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Faith in the Storm

I'm having trouble trusting God with my financial needs.

I knew when I came back from school at the beginning of May that it was going to be a struggle to find a job. I had even prepared myself not to do Passion Play this year. In all honesty, I thought it would be irresponsible to do it. I tried to talk to my Dad about how I thought the play would cause trouble with finding a job. Each time I brought it up he "encouraged" me to do it anyways. I say encouraged with quotations around it because I know that is exactly what he meant to do, but I felt like I was being bullied into it. I still feel like I was forced into it, and now after looking tirelessly for a job for the last month, my frustration is high.

I enjoy doing the passion play. I love the people there, and the environment. There are lots of good things about it. Honestly I am glad I'm doing it this year. I get to see the people I love, do the things I love most. However after applying to approximately fifty locations for work, I'm starting to wonder if I should be doing it. I also don't feel like it's right for me to leave the play at this point. While it is volunteer, I am committed. It would not be fair to anyone if I were to drop out all of a sudden, so obviously that's not an option.

The other day I was laying on my bed, emotionally and physically worn out with frustration. Generally I try to hold myself together, but the stress and panic of not being able to find work finally got to me and I broke down. As I laid there crying I found myself thinking "God, what am I supposed to do?" I was not consciously asking God what I should do, but I guess my soul knows that I need him.

"Have faith." He said to me. I stopped, struck that he spoke to me when I was not trying to speak to him. I stopped and paid attention and I suddenly felt at peace.

"How?" I asked.

"Pray." He told me. Inwardly I grumbled. I didn't want to pray. For some reason praying is something I am always reluctant to do.

I think the trouble is that I don't want to trust Him because I'm frustrated with Him. I want instant results. Therefore, I don't seem to want to take the time to trust him even though I logically know it would be the smart thing to do. I don't feel like this post if complete, but I don't know what else to say.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

9 things you should know before getting an MRI

In honor of the MRI I will be receiving this evening (um..Yay?) I have decided to compose a post about what to expect during an MRI. This is for anyone who is about to have their first MRI, or are just curious about what its like for the person having it done. My last MRI was almost exactly a year ago, and I went in scared, unsure of what was going to happen - despite my research - and with little instruction prior to arriving at the hospital. In fact all I knew was the time, location, and date which for something like an MRI is not enough. So, here are some things to except, and maybe check out prior to your arrival.

1. I cannot tell you foresure whether or not you will need to be injected with anything. I was not told and in all honestly, this was one of my biggest fears. Not because I am afraid of needles (my Father is diabetic, so I saw needles growing up and therefore they just seem like normal procedure to me), but because I wanted to know what was being injected into my body. As someone who likes to be as natural as possible, I hated the idea of putting drugs - possibly radio active drugs - into my body. If this is a concern for you, I encourage you to phone the hospital, and ask if you will need an injection, also ask what they will be putting into you (perhaps even ask about any other possible forms of intake such as orally). Write the name down, and look it up. Remember you have a right to not have it if you believe the risks are too high, but don't forget that they may not find what needs to be found without them, and depending on the situation it may be worth it. Do not forget that YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to know whats going to happen to your body before it happens.

2. It's not dark in there! For some reason, I always assumed it would be dark in the MRI, which made it seem even more scary than I thought it was to begin with. I was pleasently surprised to discover that it was not dark. There wasn't anything to see really either though.

3. It's loud. The noise is probably what I disliked the most. It was loud and I could hear the magenets moving all around me. I am a very musical person, and because of this I can tell pitches by sensing how they vibrate on my body and in my ears. I got rather irritated with this during my MRI because my senses seemed to be over stimulated. I havent tried this, but they might allow you to wear ear plugs if you ask - I don't know though.

4. I got to listen to music! They asked me if I would like to listen some music while in the MRI, and then gave me the choice of which genre. If they don't offer this to you, ask if you think it would help you relax. It may not be an option in that particular machine, but you never know if you don't ask. Granted, I couldn't always hear it because the machine was too loud.

5. They put this weird box type thing over my head, is reminded me of a stool. It was not dark in there. I'm not quite sure what the box was for - it may be standard procedure or it may be because the MRI's I get are to look at my brain. Not sure.

6. I'm not 100% sure if I am remembering correctly. I think they asked me to choose between having my eyes open or closing them during the MRI. Why, I don't know. I will update this one after I get back tonight to make sure.

7. Even though the metal buckles on your jacket may look cool, don't wear them. They will make you remove all metal, as it messes with the maginets in the Machine. Number 8 will explain why you don't want to remove things (aside from feeling indecent.) Also, a note to the ladies the wire in my bra was okay.

8. It's COLD in there! Honestly, I wish someone had told me that! I would have dressed for the occasion. They offered me a heated blanket, which I almost turned down, but I'm glad I didn't because by the end of it I was shaking I was so cold. Tonight I am bring a swear, sweatpants and warm socks! I am someone who gets cold quite easily though, but still better to be prepared, right?

9. I think this one is probably one of the most important things everyone should know. I went in there thinking that I was going to be cut off from all society, but I wasn't. MRI's are equiped with microphones, so you can talk back and forth with the doctors whenever you need to. They asked to make sure I was okay in there before starting, and told me that I could talk if I needed anything. If you get scared or need anything at all, speak up and they will hear you.

That's all I can think of at the moment. Most of the time when people ask "how does a MRI work?" they get a technical answer, not the answer to the real question of "what am I going to experience?" I think it's important for us to be well informed before going into these things. If there is anyone out there who is about to have an MRI (whether its your first, or 100th) and wants some prayer, please leave a comment on this post (no matter how long after this is posted) and I will put you in my prayers! You can tell me as little or as much about your situation, just let me know the date, and perhaps the time as well.

If there is anyone who can think of anything else that should be included in this post, please let me know! Also, I will be updating this again after my MRI tonight as I will probably think of some other things to add.

Friday, June 12, 2009


I don't have a lot to say today, which isn't really surprising since nothing happened. You want to know what I did today? I started to organize my bookshelf and played guitar. That's it. Oh, I also watched Corner Gas, showered, and was on the computer. A lot.

I hate this. I feel like I'm going crazy. I need to be productive otherwise i know I'm going to become depressed, which I don't want. The most productive thing I've done all week was put new strings on the old guitar I found in the basement. That is concerning. I know we are in a recession right now, but I was determined to find a job when I came back from school. Over the past month I have applied to approximately 50 locations. That's right folks. 50. Not 5, not even 35, but 50. I heard back from two, one of which wanted to set up an interview but I was unsure of my schedule at the time and well now they don't seem to want to set up an interview. The second I did go to an interview and she said she'd let me know my in Yesterday (or the day before if you want to get technical). I don't even know where else to apply.

As I am typing this I am recalling God's word "do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

*sighs* I am trying but its very difficult. Yesterday I was quite literally bored to tears. Did I also mention that if I don't get a job there is a very small chance that I will be able to go to school next year? "Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."

Okay I'm done complaining now. Maybe I have a little bit more to say than I thought.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

My brain - its like the energizer bunny!

So...its currently 4:53 AM, and I have yet to fall asleep. It's not that I haven't tried, because I have, it just isn't working. My brain is funny like that, if I don't do enough during the day I can't sleep at night despite how little sleep I got the night before, or how physically exhausted I am. I don't even know what I think of while I lay in bed trying to fall asleep. All I know is that it just keeps going, and that's the way that it's always been.

A few months ago my Dad came across a news segment called "The Boy Who Couldn't Sleep." When I was visiting home one weekend he showed it to me, and I was amazed to discover that the little boy has "Chiari I Malformation." Just like me! Out of all the research I've done I hadn't been able to link my ability to sleep to Chiari, until that moment. I was (oddly) excited! Here is the video:

Listening to that little boys Mom talk about how it effected her life is like listening to my mom plead with me to go to sleep. I don't think she understands that I literally can't. I was not NEARLY as bad as that Rett, thank goodness. I am so glad he is doing so much better now!

I noticed while in Rosebud I slept a lot better. I think it has something to do with the level that my mind was occupied while there. By the time I went to bed it had actually been worn out. Now that I am away from school, I am bored and not occupying my mind - thus the sleep issues.

Don't get me wrong, there are actually a lot of things I love about staying up all night. It's peaceful. It gives me alone time with God. The stars are beautiful. So are the sunsets. Sometimes I think its a hidden gift, I have grown to love the night and being able to watch the like from dusk till dawn.

I think I will go do a jigsaw puzzle now. Or clean....or something like that.

How many types of footprints do you see?

I realize this is delayed, but apparently God knew my other blog was going to give me issues and I was going have to make this one, therefore creating a diversion which prevented me from posting this on Saturday when I had originally intended to. Or something like that. ;).

So, as said before I originally intended to post this on Saturday, but I had an hour and a half drive to get to rehearsal, and therefore did not have time.

On Friday night I had heard that the temperature was going to fall, and it was going to rain. My Dad told me to tell Mom to bring the flowers inside, but she thought they would be okay. For some strange reason I woke up around 5:30 AM - this after not being able to fall asleep until 3:30 - and after tossing and turning for about an hour I decided why not use the time for something productive, like getting ready for rehearsal.

When I went out to the hall I was greeted by this:

My first thought was about Mom's poor flowers (which somehow survived...I think.). As beautiful as this's June. Naturally I had to take some pictures to document this event.

As I was walking back to the house I thought it would be cool to take a picture of my footprints in the snow and as I did so, I realized that there were a few sets that did not belong to me!

As I type this days later, I can't help but wonder if this is one of God's many ways of saying "Um...Hey! Remember me? Your creator? The one who loves you, forgives you, you know the one who thinks you are thousands of times more beautiful than these snow flakes that you are so in awe of right now. We need to talk."

I wish I had taken time to say hi.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

A new start

So, I've had to switch blogs - despite the fact that I love my other one. For some reason I couldn't title a post on my other one! Weird. I prefer the name of my other one, but that's okay, I think I might actually change the title of this one to "Tears of Prayer," even though the address will have to be different.