Sunday, April 25, 2010

A long day.

Today has been a long, hard, exhausting day. It was the student showcase for my school. The students get together and perform selected pieces from work they have been doing over the year. I had a lot of fun last year...this year not so much. It was not that I didn't want to be there and support the school...it was just...the day, and me.

We left at 12:45 and didn't get back till about 10:30. I sat in the audience, and stood on stage feeling absolutely terrible. I had to force myself not to cry on a number of occassions. All day long people kept asking me if I was okay...I never told anyone I was okay. When they asked what was going on, I would say things about how my medication is making me depressed, and there were a lot of other things going on that I didn't want to talk about.

I mean...honestly what could I tell them? The truth?

I told select people how I had started taking medication again and that is was making me depressed. I didn't tell them that the only reason I started taking it again was because I had been gaining weight, and it's a metabolism booster...and I had been trying so hard to prevent myself from gaining weight...and I couldn't. I am ashamed at myself. I don't believe in drugs. Not at all. And yet I willingly did that to myself because I was so desperate. Not healthy at all.

But that is only part of it...but I couldn't mention the rest, other than that I was having God issues. I don't even say it on here...and no one reads this.

I am desperate for help....with my medication/eating/weight problem...I am desperate for God to reappear in my life.

It hurts.

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