How could I have forgotten.

I write this post with blood shot, puffy eyes. It is currently 1:40 AM and I should be sleeping as I have a big day tomorrow...but I have been overcome.

With guilt. Shame. Humbleness. Dispair. Longing.

Over the last year there has been a huge absense of Christ in my life...and I didn't even notice. I can't think of a single time I picked up my bible. I have only gone to church on the rare occasion. I rarely prayed - even when I told someone I would. The gifts God had blessed me with began to dissappear...and now they seem non-existant...although I know they are still somewhere within me.

My relationship with God has always been such a natural, easy one...and I guess I expected it to be that way all the time. It was like clock work...I would utter deep prays to Him at night...talk to Him while going about my business during the day (Yes, out loud...I'm pretty sure people thought I was crazy for that one...but I didn't care). When I became afraid I would ask Him to protect me and I would feel His arms wrap around me. I would ask Him what he wanted me to do for Him...and He would tell me it wasn't time yet. I would get frusturated...but never ignore Him.

As a teenager God was my best friend...I want Him back.

How could I have done this...forgotten my call to Jesus? I knew when I came to school that I had an important job to do...and I completely forgot about it. About Him.

Over the past few months...I have uttered a prayer here and there...and have heard nothing in return. Tonight I realized that I had forgotten...and that I have been selfish...making life about me when it is about God.

Perhaps He is testing me...perhaps He has been testing me since September...and I have only noticed now. I can't believe that I forgot...all I know now is that I need Him back....I want my best friend back....and it will be hard to get there....

But...I can't give up because honestly...what do I have without my Lord?