This morning when I went to get in the shower a strong feeling of disgust washed over me. As I looked at myself in the mirror I could see that my poor stomach was protruding more than usual (it always has somewhat of a pot belly but this was just...eh.) Not only that was it hard and rigid. It felt full and heavy and just not good despite not eating since the night before. This was probably due to the large amount of dairy I had eaten the night before, despite being lactose intolerant. (There are pills that I can take but they only help so much.)
I was so angry with myself. Yesterday had not been a great day. I had ran out of medication (for ADHD...which I don't always like to take but that's a different post.) and as a result my day had been filled with little accomplishments and struggles with impulsiveness.
I don't like making excuses for myself - but sometimes it is so easy because the meds really do help with so many of my problems. One of my biggest struggles with ADHD besides concentration and making random noises (this is probably the most socially unacceptable problem I have...) I really struggle with impulsive eating. Like a lot.
I don't want to sound like I am making excuses but man oh man do I struggle with self control when I'm not medicated. It's like when I see food it's in my stomach before I even realize what's happened. Even if I'm allergic to it there is a good chance I might eat it...NOT GOOD. I quite literally eat myself to the point where I literally cannot stuff anymore food in myself. Yeah, I know its gross and I've tried to overcome it but it is so difficult for me. There was a point a while back where my room mate wanted to find locks to put on the cupboard doors so I couldn't get in - I thought it was a brilliant idea. I'm sure I would have hated myself and her if we had actually made it happen but I have been that desperate to stop doing this.. It has been one of my biggest struggles over the last couple of years - my ability to cope with impulsive eating.
So this morning, while I feeling like I had just undone all weight loss from the last month and a half, my frustrations turned into depression, disappointment in myself and anger and irritation. I couldn't believe myself. Not only had I done something that I had vowed not to do again - but no one had even tried to stop with. When I was living with my room mate she would notice my continuous trips to the kitchen, or the stash of chocolate bar wrappers in the garbage can and call me out on it. She made rules for me - told me I wasn't allowed to go into the kitchen and would even go as far as to getting things for me so that I didn't have to face temptation. I cannot express how much I appreciated her doing this. So much. THANK YOU. Still my struggles with eating where there and I started to fear eating for I was gaining so much weight so fast. As a result nearly developed an eating disorder. The opposite of eating to much - this time my fear of food caused the opposite effect and I barely ate anything. Thankfully that didn't last too long, and I managed to loose some of the weight I had gained when I discovered my allergies to gluten and dairy.
Sorry for the digression. Anyways my own family doesn't call me out on my eating like my room mate did. They ignore it...pretend it doesn't happen. In some ways I wonder if they realize how much I actually struggle with it. The other day I found a box of gluten free cookies in my section of the pantry. I groaned. I hadn't asked for them - but people keep buying me things. I have told my family that I don't need those things but they don't seem to get it. One of my strategies is eliminating unhealthy foods and replacing them with healthy things, but this is not easy if I keep coming home to cookies that I know were bought just for me...or keep being asked "how many tubs of ice cream (lactose free, of course) do you want?" Even though I say don't need it...it somehow always manages to get into the house.
Woosh, didn't mean to go into a whole background of my struggles with impulsiveness. The point is that this can't happen every time I go off my medication. Not only is it unhealthy but its gluttony.
So this morning as I was feeling as low as can be I had a thought. Fasting. I have never fasted before because I find that if I don't eat often enough my entire body is unable to function...but that doesn't mean I can't fast. I will create specific times of day when I am allowed to eat - I haven't quite figured out how often I will plan for this. Maybe once or twice a day. The rest of the time eating will not be allowed. Every time I think of food, the desire to indulge or I enter the kitchen area I am going to turn my thought's over to God. Ask Him for strength and self control - talk to Him.
I am going to start doing this every day I don't take my medication. I purposely take breaks from my meds to give my body and mind a break and allow it to relax from the side effects of it. However not taking it obviously has its own side effects. Next weekend I plan on starting this. It's going to be difficult - but I believe I can overcome it. I think not only will it be a good lesson/exercise in self control but it will help me grow closer to God.
Since I can't count on my family to help me out with this I am asking for your help. If anyone is out there reading this in silence..please hold me accountable. Offer prayers up - its going to be a struggle.