Sad. Frustrated. Garg.

For the past few weeks I have been feeling extremely glum. When I left the theatre world I did not expect to miss it at all. I was so frustrated with myself, and with it that I was convinced that God was saying for me to get away from it.

Let me say it here and now folk: I was wrong.

I'm miserable. I think a lot of my frustrations were due to the people I was working with. The last role I was in was not a role I should have been cast, in my opinion. I was not right for the part. Add to that that it was along side my ex-boyfriend (and old best friend...) and you have a mess of an actor. It was awful. I got fed up with me. The director got fed up with me. Cast members got fed up with me. I was afraid to commit fully to the role because I didn't want to open up old feelings, because I wasn't sure they were completely gone.

And I was embarrassed to admit the problem, because I wasn't the only person with a problem with my ex, and in the theatre we are supposed to leave our problems at the door. And I just didn't know how to do that. I had also had an extremely rough term in acting coaching. My frustration levels were high in the last year.

Not to mention I was dealing with a lot of health problems in the last year, which prevented me from being able to concentrate fully on my studies. I often wonder what I may have accomplished in the last year had I not had those health problems. It wasn't until the end of the school year that I had figured them out.

Now, after being away from theatre from three months, I am absolutely miserable. I miss being on stage. I miss learning how to act. I miss singing in choir. I miss voice coaching.

There is just something within me that seems to needs the theatreee. I can't explain it. I have felt it since i was 5 years old. A need to perform. Acting/Music is like air to me, and I'm starting to feel like I'm living without oxygen. Can you say torture?

That being said, I don't think I made the wrong choice in leaving. I needed to get away from it to see that I really wanted it. I also don't believe that my old school is the right fit for me anymore, so I will not be returing there. I have decided to look into some other schools though..

I will be (trying) to pray for some Guidance in this.

Let's hope I can actually get over my pig-headedness and listen to God for a mew moments.