Faith in the Storm

I'm having trouble trusting God with my financial needs.

I knew when I came back from school at the beginning of May that it was going to be a struggle to find a job. I had even prepared myself not to do Passion Play this year. In all honesty, I thought it would be irresponsible to do it. I tried to talk to my Dad about how I thought the play would cause trouble with finding a job. Each time I brought it up he "encouraged" me to do it anyways. I say encouraged with quotations around it because I know that is exactly what he meant to do, but I felt like I was being bullied into it. I still feel like I was forced into it, and now after looking tirelessly for a job for the last month, my frustration is high.

I enjoy doing the passion play. I love the people there, and the environment. There are lots of good things about it. Honestly I am glad I'm doing it this year. I get to see the people I love, do the things I love most. However after applying to approximately fifty locations for work, I'm starting to wonder if I should be doing it. I also don't feel like it's right for me to leave the play at this point. While it is volunteer, I am committed. It would not be fair to anyone if I were to drop out all of a sudden, so obviously that's not an option.

The other day I was laying on my bed, emotionally and physically worn out with frustration. Generally I try to hold myself together, but the stress and panic of not being able to find work finally got to me and I broke down. As I laid there crying I found myself thinking "God, what am I supposed to do?" I was not consciously asking God what I should do, but I guess my soul knows that I need him.

"Have faith." He said to me. I stopped, struck that he spoke to me when I was not trying to speak to him. I stopped and paid attention and I suddenly felt at peace.

"How?" I asked.

"Pray." He told me. Inwardly I grumbled. I didn't want to pray. For some reason praying is something I am always reluctant to do.

I think the trouble is that I don't want to trust Him because I'm frustrated with Him. I want instant results. Therefore, I don't seem to want to take the time to trust him even though I logically know it would be the smart thing to do. I don't feel like this post if complete, but I don't know what else to say.